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Conflict Resolution Tip: Esclating Disputes

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 19:05:30 +0100

Have you ever been in a dispute that has gotten out of hand? Perhaps you been in a dispute that got so heated that it became a “matter of principle” and the original reason for the dispute has been cast aside. This is a phenomenon in conflict that we practitioners see all the time. It is when conflicts get out of hand and escalates into something bigger then what was intended by each party. These escalations make the dispute harder to resolve, and trap the parties into ridged positions that seem impossible to move from. We become stuck in our disputes with no way of getting out.

Being aware of this phenomenon will help you to recognize where you are in your dispute and help you to contain dispute escalations. This article will look at three stages in dispute escalation in a way that will help you recognize this pattern. These three stages are 1) gaining, 2) over invested, and 3) identify preservation and resentment.

Gaining:

When we are in a dispute, we typically are looking to get some sort of gain from it. We may dispute over things such as limited resources, influence, or power. Very often conflict starts with clear defined goals as to what we want to achieve. Parties will begin to maneuver and use their resources to win the dispute. They may hire an attorney, pour in money, and make strategic moves to outwit and out maneuver the other party. Many times conflicts will end here if one party has an upper hand over the other, but if the conflict escalates, it will move onto the next state of Minimizing. The key is at this stage the parties feel that they have something to gain in engaging in a dispute.

Over Invested:

If a conflict or dispute continues, eventually parties will begin to exhaust all of their resources. Conflict is always costly, and people will begin to run out of money, time, and energy. At this point a shift happens within the parties as their goals that were once clear and defined begin to change.

Typically parties begin to see the high cost of the conflict and begin to minimize the damage and cost that they have incurred. Many parties begin to feel that they have invested a lot of time, and resources into the dispute, and to lose at this point would be at a loss. At this point the only way that the parties can justify the expense of the conflict is to win. They become trapped and feel that they have come too far to lose. They begin to see how much has been exhausted, and this ads value to winning. No one likes to lose especially one they have invested their resources.

Thus they hope that the other party will soon give up, and quit because of the high cost that has occurred. What each party does not realize is that the other party most likely is over invested as well and is secretly sharing the same hope. This begins to create more stress and desperation and resentment towards the other party and the actual reason for the dispute becomes convoluted and cast to the wayside, and the dispute moves to the final stage of escalation.

Identify Preservation and Resentment:

At this stage the dispute has transformed. No longer is the dispute over the disputed resource but rather it is fueled over the resentment over the other. Now the conflict focuses on the other party, and it becomes a battle of wills. The Parties motive for winning becomes more for the principle of it. They may realize that they will expend a lot of energy, but the drive to win over the other is stronger.

Seeing the other party loose becomes the goal. In many ways the dispute is now been associated with ones identity, and winning will strengthen the parties’ perception of self. At this point of escalation, relationships are broken, and both parties begin to mirror each other’s actions as they escalate the dispute. Typically when there is a winner, the cost of the win is outweighed by the loss of expended resources.

How to avoid escalation:

Avoiding escalation can be hard to do, but there are a few self checks that can help you see where you are. Remember conflict is emotional, and taking the time to check your emotional state can help a conflict from escalating. Keeping your goals in mind is another self check. Take time to review your goals. Has these goals changed? If so why? Always know your limits, know how far you are willing to go. Know beforehand when winning becomes too expensive.

Another consideration is the relationship. What kind of relationship do you want with the other party? Is winning worth losing a friend, or a spouse or client? Remember that relationships are always affected by conflict and escalation can do more to damage it.

Finally remember that actions are contagious. How you behave in a conflict generally will dictate how the other behaves. If you reach to escalate a conflict, then more than likely the other party will too. Therefore the more vigilant you are in your words and actions to deescalate the better the other party will too.

Although these questions are not a sure fire way to diffuse escalation, they can help you keep some perspective in a dispute. Escalation happens because of transformations that are triggered within the conflict. Being aware of how a conflict may escalate will give you some insight as to where you are and where you are heading.

How Different Are Our Perceptions?

Thu, 27 May 2010 17:39:56 +0100

We use our perception to make since of the world. It gives us direction, forms our values and influences our relationships, decisions and realities. Our lives are so intimately connected to our perception that most of the time, we fail to realize its influence upon us and we begin to see our perceptions as truth and matter of fact. The reality is that our perception is just one of 6 billion in this world, and when it comes to any type of relationship, we have to negotiate our perception with others’ views and understandings. This process at times can be difficult and cause conflict between us and others. So the question is: Just how different are our perceptions with others? Knowing that we all do not see the world the same can help us resolve and prevent some of our conflicts.

How different are our Perceptions:

The answer to this question is that our perceptions are very different from one another. Let’s look at something as basic as our attention. When we see, our eyes bring in mass amounts of information to our brain. Our brain then sifts through the visual information and focuses on images that are important to us. This is done through our short term memory. We call is process our attention. Attention researchers have discovered that if two people are looking out a window together, they are literally seeing something very different. This is because everybody is focusing on some things and suppressing others. Therefore what we physically see is different then what others see, because our attention is selective and individual. In other words, we are literally seeing the world in a different way.

Another perception experiment was with married couples. For a few weeks married couples were to keep a journal of everything that they did. Since married couples tend to spend a lot of time together, the experiment was designed to compare everyday interactions and experiences that both parties shared. After the few weeks were completed, the journals revealed some interesting observations. The conclusion after comparing the notes was that the level of agreement on their accounts was at the level of pure chance. These are people who live, eat and sleep together, yet they do not see the same world. Each person described what they saw and experienced so differently; it would be hard to conclude that they saw and experienced the same events.

Not only do we literally see things differently, but we place meaning onto what we see. Observations and visual data mean little to us if it does not have meaning. It is meaning that dictates our actions and responses as to what we see. For example, if we see danger, we only know that it is danger because of the meaning that we placed on the visual image that we received. Our meanings that we have are created through our culture, knowledge; and our own personal experiences. For example, we may look at a dog and feel comfortable, while someone else may see a dog and be afraid due to a past experience. Thus these tenants of culture, knowledge, and experiences plays a big role and to how we see the world.

The problem for us comes with negotiating our perceptions with others. Many of times, we may share some of our perceptions with people from our own culture, or family. But there are times when our perceptions clash with others and create conflict between ourselves. So being aware of the existence of differences in perception will go a long way in our ability to relate to others. Taking the time to learn and understand other’s perceptions will help you overcome disagreements and conflicts that may arise. Take time to ask open ended questions about how others feel and see the world. Try to be open and nonjudgmental. This does not mean you have to agree with them, but rather understand and respect their perception as a collection of their life experiences. By understanding and being more aware of perceptions, we will be better prepared to improve and strengthen our relationships.

A Simple Conflict Resolution Technique: Focus on Behaviors not Intentions

Wed, 26 May 2010 12:38:01 +0100

Here is a simple technique that can make a world of difference in your everyday relationships and interactions. When you find yourself in a conflict, argument, or disagreement, make sure that you focus on the other party’s behaviors and try not to make assumptions about their intent, motives, or reasoning. When we focus on the other’s intent and motives, the other party will bring up a wall that we will need to bring down in order to find a resolution. When we do this, our disagreement quickly transforms and escalates into a conflict about ones character, and moral qualities. The other party will feel that he has to defend her reasoning and intentions rather than address in the behavior or problem. So why create an obstacle for yourself. By focusing on the other party’s behavior we have something tangible to discuss, and focus upon. Behavior is something that we can observe and measure, motives, and intent is not. Behavior is something that all parties can see and address, while motives and intentions are not.

For example, if your “significant other” is messy around the house, the best way to address this is to focus on the behavior. You may say something such as “I notice that you do not put your dirty clothing in the hamper.” The “putting away the dirty clothing” is something that we all can observe, and measure. We can show our partner examples of his/her behavior. This type of statement identifies an observable problem, and does not assign any reason, motive, or label to the situation. This statement gets right to the point and identifies the behavior in question. The statement or observation avoids an attack against the other’s character and creates one less thing that needs to be overcome.

In my practice I have seen many arguments escalate because the parties attempted to assign a motive or intent to the other party’s behavior(s). By doing so they built up obstacles between them and creating a new conflict regarding the others’ character, intent, and moral qualities. If they would have just addressed the behavior which they could quantify, they would have been able to resolve their issues much quicker and efficiently. So the next time you find yourself in an argument, or conflict, try to point our behaviors and stay away from assuming behavior. This technique will help to make you a great conflict resolver in all of your relationships.

Five Problem-Solving and Decision Making Obstacles

Tue, 18 May 2010 18:43:36 +0100

We solve problems and make decisions everyday in our lives. Some problems and decisions are very mundane and insignificant, while others can be monumental and life changing. Solving problems and making good decisions is crucial in our lives. Our decisions and problem solving abilities are affected by a lot of factors that we encounter. Our position and situation in life along with time, and stress can play a large role in our outcomes. As a mediator and conflict coach, I have seen many clients get hung up by decision obstacles’ that have hindered their ability to resolve their conflict or problem. This article will look at five obstacles that can affect our problem solving and decision making ability. These five are based off of my experience as a facilitator, mediator, and coach. They are five common obstacles’ that I have personally seen that have stunted progress and good decisions. These obstacles if unrecognized can hinder us in solving problems and making good decisions in our lives.

Mental Set:

One of the most subtle and most common obstacles’ that I encounter is called Mental Set. Mental Set is the tendency to perceive problems in particular ways. Set determines which information we tend to retrieve from our memory to help us find a solution. We may apply our training, a formula, or a model that can help us problem solve. This is helpful when we have a problem that we need to face. However sets can also create obstacles, especially when a novel approach is needed. Sometimes we may fail to recognize that problems do not match our sets. Thus we begin to make poor decisions, and use problem solving skills that do not match up with the particular problem. It is always good to remember not to assume that all problems can be solved using our mental sets. Thus we need to be flexible and able to recognize differences and changes in problems.

Functional Fixedness:

Another problem solving obstacle is functional fixedness. Functional fixedness is the inability to recognize familiar uses of tools, concepts, for uses other then what we typically use them for. Thus we may be unable to see other creative uses for tools, concepts, and other items to solve problems. The more we use an object one way, the harder it is to see new uses for it because we have assigned a “fixed function” on the object. I have seen parties and clients unable to recognize solutions that may be right in front of them because they only saw concepts, tools, and objects in familiar ways. This can be tough to overcome, because we train ourselves to see things one way. It takes creativity, and openness to move past this obstacle. Furthermore, it is always important to be open and flexible to find new uses of objects to help solve problems.

Confirmation Bias:

Confirmation bias is a very typical obstacle for many people. Confirmation bias is the tendency to notice and remember evidence that supports our beliefs and to ignore evidence that contradicts them. People tend to look for evidence that validates them and their world view. So when we are making decisions and problem solving, we have a tendency to make evidence fit our desired outcome. This can be dangerous because we ultimately can make a decision not based on evidence, but rather on our biases and view. Sometimes we can get our identity tied up in an expected outcome, and being wrong becomes tied to our identity and character. Thus we begin not looking for good solutions but rather we end up trying to support our “personal rightness”. Thus when we are looking to make decisions, we need to be aware of our biases, likes, and dislikes and be open and honest with ourselves and the evidence that we find.

Availability:

We also have the tendency to make decisions and solve problems based on the information that we have available at the time. This problem is called availability. Sometimes we may need to make quick decisions, or only have limited information to work with, but most of the time we can gather more information and opinions to help us make an informed decision or to solve a problem. I have seen many conflicts and problems arise from good intentioned people who just made quick decisions based on the available information. They did not take the time to research the problem and all available solutions. This obstacle not only can hurt us, but also others who are affected by our actions. Thus we need to be aware of this tendency and ask ourselves, “What else is there to know,” or “where can I get more information.” It is easy to dismiss the need for additional information, but we have to remember that in doing so it can be very costly.

Not Weighing Consequences:

Another obstacle to decision making is not weighing consequences. Sometimes we see a solution or decision that we really like and we will commit and jump in before we consider how that solution or decision will impact our lives. We may really like our conclusions but fail to recognize that it will limit or change other aspects of our lives that we may not have intended. Thus it is important to flesh out or decisions and solutions to see how they will ultimately impact our lives.

In my experience as a mediator and facilitator, I have seen many conflicts; poor decisions, and outcomes come from the above problem-solving obstacles. Many of these obstacles can be avoided by simply having an awareness of them. This can make a big difference in our decision making ability. By understanding that we all have obstacles that keep us from solving problems and making good decisions, we take a step closer to successful outcomes. Taking to time to recognize our obstacles will help be better problem solvers and make better decisions.

Heartland Forgiveness Scale: Measure Your Forgiveness Inclination

Tue, 18 May 2010 18:50:10 +0100

As a mediator, forgiveness is an important concept. Many of times disputes will become grid locked until forgiveness is used by one of the parties. Therefore I have a strong interest in the concept of forgiveness and how it works and develops within conflict situations. What I have found from my experience is that some people tend to have a natural inclination towards forgiveness. Why shapes that natural inclination can be factors like culture, gender, sex, family, economics to name a few. I have found a website that measures ones’ natural inclination towards forgiveness. It is called the Heartland forgiveness scale. It measures your natural inclination to forgive self, others, and situations. Follow the link below and take the test to see how you score in your forgiveness inclination. http://www.heartlandforgiveness.com/take-the-heartland-forgiveness-scale/

Five Steps For Preparing For Mediation

Tue, 18 May 2010 18:50:29 +0100

Mediation is one of the most effective ways to resolve your disputes and conflicts. It can save parties a lot of money, energy and time. However, many people have never been involved in mediation and do not know what to expect and therefore come unprepared to take advantage of all the mediation has to offer. From my experience as a mediator, the more prepared the parties are, the stronger the resolution will be. Preparing for mediation is not something that takes a lot of time and strategy. There are some simple steps that parties can take that will greatly affect the mediation outcome. This article will take a look at how to effectively prepare for mediation, so that you will be ready to create the best resolution to your conflict.

Understanding the Mediation Process

If you have never participated in mediation, then you are not alone. For many, mediation is a vague process. Knowing how mediation works will help reduce your anxiety, fear and limit any surprises that you may encounter. The mediation process is a confidential way for you and the other party to discuss and resolve your conflict. Typically the mediation is facilitated by one to two mediators whose job it is to help the parties discuss their conflict and come to a resolution. Mediators are not judges or arbitrators; therefore they do not make any judgments or decisions. Mediations are party driven, meaning that all decisions and agreements are made by the disputing parties. Mediators are trained to help you come to a decision that all parties can agree upon. Because the process is driven by the disputing parties, many of the rules and participants are agreed upon by all involved parties. Just understanding the process will give you an advantage, in knowing what to expect.

Understand Your Interests:

One of the most important things that you can do to prepare for mediation is to know what your needs and interests are. Before you can identify your interests, you have to separate them from your positions or proposed solutions. An interest is what you what you want to gain from mediation, while a position is how you expect that interest to be met. For example, if you are a divorced parent an interest may be to have more time with your children, and a position would be that you want to pick your children up three hours early each weekend, even though it cuts into the other parent’s time with the children. While your interest may have many ways to be met, your position only has one way to be met. Take some time before the mediation to write down your interests and needs. This will help you to be open in finding solutions to meet your interests and increase your chances of succeeding.

Knowing What the Minimum is that You Will Accept:

When trying to resolve any conflict, there will be compromise, alternate solutions, and give and take. Therefore it is always good to know what the minimum is you are willing to accept in your resolution. Knowing this before the mediation will help you protect your interests, and keep you on tract and focused. The best way to visualize this is to know what the best outcome or your alternative option is if you did not mediate. Take time to explore your limits and boundaries. Seriously consider what you will be willing to live with. The more honest that you are with knowing what you can live with the better off you will be. This will help you be prepared when you consider alternative solutions and proposals in mediation, and will help you know beforehand what you may be able to live with.

Walk in the Other Parties’ Shoes

Mediation is about finding solutions that will work for all parties. It is a solution making process. Thus the more that you understand the other parties feelings, perspectives, and interests the better you will be able to create a solution that everyone can agree upon. Take time before the mediation to try to understand what a solution would look like for the other party. Try to understand what the minimum is that the other party would accept. This will help you be more creative in finding alternate solutions, and help you to become creative in your proposals. Look for shared goals and interests that you both have. Many times parties come to mediation with very similar goals and interests but have very different positions or ideas of how these interests should be met. When both parties begin to look for mutual ways that benefit the other, mediations become powerful opportunities to create strong and lasting resolutions.

Be Aware of You and the Other Parties’ Emotional State

Conflict is an emotional process that can bring the best and worse out of people. No matter how well one controls his/her emotions, they will ultimately surface. Emotions may be something we have difficulty controlling in conflict, but being aware of them and their power can help. It is always best to know what issues, words, and actions can make us and the other party to explode. This will help you know how to approach a subject, and identify what is happening to us emotionally during the mediation. It will also help you to prepare for talking about important and sensitive subjects. Having an awareness of emotions by preparing for them will help you when emotions are high.

Some Final Remarks:

One thing to understand before you mediate is to know that you and the other party are the decision makers. No decision can be agreed upon without you and the other parties consent. Thus it is imperative that everyone works to make a resolution that everyone can agree too. You win only when the other party wins. Thus going into mediation with this mindset will be beneficial and make the mediation more effective.

Mediation is an active process for all parties. Mediation success is based on how well all parties are willing to work to find an agreeable resolution to their conflicts. If parties have an understanding of mediation, understand their interests, know the minimum they are willing to accept, walk in the other parties shoes, have an awareness of their emotions, and understand that they are the decision makers before they attended mediation; they will be prepared. Therefore the more prepared the parties come into mediation willing to work together, the higher the success rate will be. Preparation may take some time and reflection on your end, but the fruits of your preparation will see in the strength of your solutions.

Five Myths About Mediation

Thu, 07 Jan 2010 15:33:43 +0100

For many, mediation is an unknown process. Many do not understand what it is and most importantly, how it may help them resolve disputes effectively and with little costs. Therefore there are many myths, and assumptions as to mediation’s benefits and process. This article will take a look at 5 general myths that many have regarding mediation.

Myth # 1: A mediator is like going to court.

Mediation is a confidential process in which you and the other party sit down with a trained mediator who helps you work through your conflicts to an agreed upon solution. The mediator is not a judge or a decision maker. Mediation is an active process. Meaning all decisions and direction of the mediation are determined by you and the disputing parties. The process is completely in your hands and can be a formal or informal as you desire it to be. It is the mediator’s job to work with both parties to help them find a solution that all agree upon.

Myth # 2: Mediation is an expensive process

Mediation is frankly one of the cheapest ways to settle a dispute. Rates for a good mediator will vary depending on your dispute and geographic area. The cost of mediation generally are less expensive then attorney and court fees. Mediation is also great way of saving time and energy. Mediation is much quicker than taking a dispute to litigation. Litigation can take a lot of time, and money, while mediation may take a few hours. The cost of resolve disputes quickly and keep you out of court through mediation is very cost effective.

Myth # 3 Mediation is generally not successful

This is another myth about mediation. In fact mediation success rates are well in the 90% rate. The reason for the high success rate is the satisfaction of the participants. All parties take an active and decision making role in the resolution. Thus all resolutions are supported by the parties, because it is a solution that they all have agreed upon. This high satisfaction rate makes long lasting agreements, and helps preserve relationships. In fact, many people tend to feel more satisfied with mediation then with a court decision, where the resolution is put in the hands of a judge instead of the parties.

Myth # 4: If the conflict involves complex issues mediation will not work

Most conflicts have complex issues. Mediation gives you the space to discover, and discuss complex issues. Anything that can be decided in court can be resolved with mediation. With mediation, a mediator can help explore deeper issues and perspectives that you may normally not get at. A mediator is trained to help the parties find the language to discuss difficult issues and underlying root problems that keep the conflict alive. With mediation, you have more freedom to discuss complex issues and a trained mediator who is equipped to discuss emotions, perspectives and deeper issues within the conflict.

Myth #5: I am not represented in mediation and I am afraid that a decision will be made that I do not like

In mediation everyone is given the opportunity to represent themselves. Mediation provides the space for you to let you speak, be heard, and to work on a resolution. Mediation is also allows great flexibly in who participates. It is not uncommon for people to bring others for support. Some mediations may involve attorneys, spouses, and anyone who all parties agree to have participate. In mediation, it is the mediator’s job to make sure that everyone is heard, and is an active participant in the mediation. The mediator will never force a resolution on any participant who does not agree with the solution. Mediation is an active and participatory process involving all parties. All decisions are made by you and the other parties.

As you can see, many of myths about mediation are can be easily debunked. Mediation is a great cost effective process that can reduce and resolve conflicts. Its application is so wide that is can be applied to any conflict, and produce strong results. Mediation is an active process. Meaning the success of the mediation is based on the active participation and decision making power of the parties. It’s a process that can help individuals, organizations and businesses resolve their conflict and keep them out of court.

Conflict Resolution: Seperating Positions From Interests

Tue, 18 May 2010 18:43:22 +0100

Perhaps you have been in this situation before: You are in a disagreement, or argument and neither you nor the other person seems close to coming to a resolution. It seems that your ideas, proposed solutions, and positions are miles apart. So you and the other party are frustrated, and forced to expend resources and energy to maintain the stalemate. Perhaps what is keeping you from a solution lies in your own position of how the conflict should be resolved.

For many, getting to a resolution to our conflicts is a matter of examining our own positions and discovering our interests. When we are in a conflict, it is always beneficial for you to identify everyone’s interests and needs. This may seem like an obvious solution, but recognizing interests and separating them from positions is something that takes a conscious effort.

Many times people argue from positions rather then their interests. More often then not, interests can be met while positions cannot, and many conflicts fail to be resolved because the parties do not recognize the differences. Positions are how you expect your needs to be met, or the conditions needed to meet your needs.

For example, say your neighbor has a barking dog that keeps you up all night. You confront your neighbor about the situation and you tell him that he needs to get rid of the dog because it is keeping you up. This type of a response is a position. In this example, you can see how the position sets the conditions to get your interests met. What this position does is create a ridged, and one option solution to resolving your problem. It puts demands on the other party that he may not be willing to agree with. Therefore if your neighbor does not agree with your position, you are forced to apply pressure and energy to force him/her into accepting your position, or remain in a stalemate and possibly create a larger conflict then you may want.

However, had you identified your interests, this conflict may have had a quick resolution. An interest is nothing more then the core need or desire that you want out of a conflict. Unlike a position, it does not demand the conditions as to how your interest is met, but rather leaves it open for discussion and discovery. In the example above, your interest is to be able to sleep without the dog’s barking. If you approach your neighbor with this interest, then the resolution to the conflict will be more flexible and unrestricted. Although getting rid of the dog may be an option, it certainly is not the only way to meet your interest of getting an undisturbed night’s sleep.

Positions are stiff and rigid, while interests are flexible and fluid. Generally there are many ways to meet interests but only one way to meet a position. Taking inventory of your interest(s) while you are in a conflict will help you get what you want by leaving you more room to negotiate and to maneuver.

Along with identifying your interests, it is also very useful to identify the other parties’ interest(s) as well. If he or she is working from a position, it will be just as hard to get a resolution that will meet your needs. Getting to the other parties interest(s) may take some work, but it can be done. They may not even be aware of what their interest(s) are, or unaware that they are not making them clear to you, or even working from a position.

One way to get at another’s interest(s) is through listening. This may sound simple and obvious, but when we are in a conflict, we tend to be more concerned about being heard, then listening to the other party. Taking time to listen will reveal their interest(s). In every position there is an interest to be had if we take the time to listen.

Another strategy is to ask open ended questions, meaning questions that take more then a yes and no answer. Ask them questions that allow them to explore their position(s), and to clearly identify their interest(s). You may ask them “What is it that matters the most to you?” or “What is it that really bothers or concerns you?” Such questions can get to the heart of the problem and reveal their interest(s).

Once you understand their interest(s) it is always best to acknowledge them, so that they can hear it themselves. This not only will confirm that you understand, but it is always beneficial for the other party to hear their concerns repeated by you. You may say something like, “So if I am hearing you correctly, my dog is keeping you from sleeping.” Such sentences make the interest(s) and conflict very concise, and manageable while clearly identifying the problem.

Exposing our interest(s) can do a lot to resolve our conflicts. It can help turn a conflict that may seem near impossible to resolve into a working problem where all the parties’ interests are understood. It also allows our limited positions to become options, and not ultimatums that will break down our ability to come to a strong resolution. So the next time you are in a conflict that seems to be going no where, try to separate you and the other party’s interests and positions and see if that does not help resolve your conflict and improve your relationship.

Resolving Conflict Through Empathy

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 22:21:35 +0100

“Never judge a person until you have walked a mile in their moccasins.”

- Native American proverb.

How much better would we be if we took the time to look at the world through the eyes of another? How many arguments and conflicts would we have avoided in our lives if we just looked at life through another’s view point? Empathy is a great tool that can allow us to look at life through another’s perspective to move us past conflict with others.

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another’s situation and share his/hers thoughts and feelings. Empathy is also looking at things from the other’s point of view rather then yours. When we use empathy, we can begin to turn any conflict situation into a problem solving opportunity. Empathy promotes understanding and allows us to move beyond our positions and begin to explore the others’ interests and needs. It promotes acknowledgement, respect, and legitimacy of other’s concerns, thus letting the other party know that they are heard.

Having empathy alone will not go far to move a conflict to resolution. One has to publicly show empathy to the other in order for it to change our outcomes. Showing empathy means telling others you understand their feelings and perspective. One way for showing empathy is sharing similar experiences with the other party as a way of relating to their concerns. This will let them know that you can relate to them and their situation. If you have no similar experiences, try to understand their situations and express your feelings for them. Remember that in showing empathy you must mean what you say. When you express empathy that you do not really feel, you may offend people and do more harm then good. Let’s look at an example:

Mr. Johnson is upset with Robert’s young children. Robert is Mr. Johnson’s neighbor and his children come into Mr. Johnson’s yard and trample though his garden beds. Mr. Johnson confronts Robert about the problem.

Robert responds to Mr. Johnson by saying, “I understand your frustrated Mr. Johnson. You have put many hours in your garden, and I know it means a lot to you. I will talk to my children and make sure that they respect your property.”

Robert’s showing of empathy allows Mr. Johnson to know that Robert understood his concern about his garden. Robert acknowledged Mr. Johnson’s feelings, and his invested time and value that he placed on his garden. Such showing of empathy brought out Mr. Johnson’s interests and now makes it easier to discuss a solution to the problem. In this example empathy created common ground for both parties to worth from. Robert and Mr. Johnson both understand and acknowledged how frustrating and important the situation is and can now work to solve the problem.

Empathy does not mean that you have to agree or give in to the other side’s demands or perspective. This idea is a myth and generally keeps others from expressing it. One can empathize with another and still disagree with the other parties’ solutions, and perspective. Let’s look at the example above again:

Robert understands that Mr. Johnson is upset about his garden being trampled by his children, but Robert knows that because the garden is located next to the side walk that his children are not the only children that are walking through the garden. In fact he has stopped other children from walking through Mr. Johnson’s garden before. Robert says to Mr. Johnson, “I understand that you are frustrated about your garden. I would be too with all the time and money you have put into it. I am sure my children need to be more careful around it, and I will talk to them. However, I also have noticed that other children are also walking through your garden. Have you noticed that as well?”

In this example Robert shows empathy, and yet does not agree with Mr. Johnson’s perspective that his children are solely responsible for the incident. Robert was able to show empathy and create a space to resolve the conflict while still holding to his perspective.

Empathy is a tool that can be used to create starting point to resolve conflict. It is not a declaration of defeat or admission of guilt. Rather it can help bring down the other parties defenses by showing the other party that you are willing to listen and resolve. Empathy can help bring parties together by creating a little common ground to build from. It allows the parties to acknowledge each others’ humanity and legitimacy. Once this is established in a conflict, resolution can then be pursued. If we learn to use empathy in our relationships and conflict, we will find ourselves building stronger and lasting resolutions and associations.

A Matter of Perception

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 22:21:18 +0100

We all have heard the saying "actions speak louder then words," yet what is it that the action is saying to us? Do they tell us anything about another's motives, and intentions? Unfortunately observing another's actions alone does very little to tell us anything about the other's internal motives. Thus we are left to interpret the action within a context of our history, and relationship with that person. No matter how well we think we know the situation and the other person, any conclusion that we come too is just an interpretation.
Many times conflict is rooted in our perception of another's actions and intentions. How we view and interpret the behavior another, can determine our attitude towards the shaping of the conflict. For many people there are tendencies which we follow that help build this perception. Such tendencies involve assigning internal and external reasons for the behaviors of others and ourselves. When we see another’s action or a behavior that we do not like, we tend to assign an internal reason for the behavior such as a character flaw to explain the other party’s action. For example, if a co-worker is late to an important meeting, we may say it is because she is unorganized, uncaring, or unprofessional. These types of labels tend to show a character flaw towards the other. However when we are the ones that are late to the meeting, we tend to excuse our behavior with external reasons such as my child was sick, or traffic was heavy. Rarely will we attribute our lateness to our professionalism or laziness.
Such perceptions can promote conflict by creating barriers that can prevent us from understanding each other. They can create perceptions that may not be accurate and make others put up defenses that enable us to see the issues clearly. Just being aware of these tendencies can help us move away from conflict in our lives. We will be more open minded and clearer when we see behaviors that we do not like. Therefore when you address a problematic behavior with another, be aware of your own perception limitations and focus on the behavior itself and not its interpretation. Discuss the behavior with the other party because you can measure and observe the behavior but you cannot measure or observe the motive or intention. These simple steps of awareness and addressing the behavior itself will do wonders in resolving conflicts in your life.