Perhaps you have been in this situation before: You are in a disagreement, or argument and neither you nor the other person seems close to coming to a resolution. It seems that your ideas, proposed solutions, and positions are miles apart. So you and the other party are frustrated, and forced to expend resources and energy to maintain the stalemate.  Perhaps what is keeping you from a solution lies in your own position of how the conflict should be resolved.

 For many, getting to a resolution to our conflicts is a matter of examining our own positions and discovering our interests. When we are in a conflict, it is always beneficial for you to identify everyone’s interests and needs. This may seem like an obvious solution, but recognizing interests and separating them from positions is something that takes a conscious effort.

 Many times people argue from positions rather then their interests.  More often then not, interests can be met while positions cannot, and many conflicts fail to be resolved because the parties do not recognize the differences. Positions are how you expect your needs to be met, or the conditions needed to meet your needs.

For example, say your neighbor has a barking dog that keeps you up all night. You confront your neighbor about the situation and you tell him that he needs to get rid of the dog because it is keeping you up.  This type of a response is a position. In this example, you can see how the position sets the conditions to get your interests met.  What this position does is create a ridged, and one option solution to resolving your problem.  It puts demands on the other party that he may not be willing to agree with. Therefore if your neighbor does not agree with your position, you are forced to apply pressure and energy to force him/her into accepting your position, or remain in a stalemate and possibly create a larger conflict then you may want.

However, had you identified your interests, this conflict may have had a quick resolution. An interest is nothing more then the core need or desire that you want out of a conflict. Unlike a position, it does not demand the conditions as to how your interest is met, but rather leaves it open for discussion and discovery. In the example above, your interest is to be able to sleep without the dog’s barking. If you approach your neighbor with this interest, then the resolution to the conflict will be more flexible and unrestricted. Although getting rid of the dog may be an option, it certainly is not the only way to meet your interest of getting an undisturbed night’s sleep.

Positions are stiff and rigid, while interests are flexible and fluid.  Generally there are many ways to meet interests but only one way to meet a position. Taking inventory of your interest(s) while you are in a conflict will help you get what you want by leaving you more room to negotiate and to maneuver.

Along with identifying your interests, it is also very useful to identify the other parties’ interest(s) as well. If he or she is working from a position, it will be just as hard to get a resolution that will meet your needs. Getting to the other parties interest(s) may take some work, but it can be done. They may not even be aware of what their interest(s) are, or unaware that they are not making them clear to you, or even working from a position.

One way to get at another’s interest(s) is through listening. This may sound simple and obvious, but when we are in a conflict, we tend to be more concerned about being heard, then listening to the other party.  Taking time to listen will reveal their interest(s).  In every position there is an interest to be had if we take the time to listen.

Another strategy is to ask open ended questions, meaning questions that take more then a yes and no answer.  Ask them questions that allow them to explore their position(s), and to clearly identify their interest(s).  You may ask them “What is it that matters the most to you?” or “What is it that really bothers or concerns you?”  Such questions can get to the heart of the problem and reveal their interest(s).

Once you understand their interest(s) it is always best to acknowledge them, so that they can hear it themselves.  This not only will confirm that you understand, but it is always beneficial for the other party to hear their concerns repeated by you. You may say something like, “So if I am hearing you correctly, my dog is keeping you from sleeping.”  Such sentences make the interest(s) and conflict very concise, and manageable while clearly identifying the problem.

Exposing our interest(s) can do a lot to resolve our conflicts.  It can help turn a conflict that may seem near impossible to resolve into a working problem where all the parties’ interests are understood. It also allows our limited positions to become options, and not ultimatums that will break down our ability to come to a strong resolution.  So the next time you are in a conflict that seems to be going no where, try to separate you and the other party’s interests and positions and see if that does not help resolve your conflict and improve your relationship.